The Midnight News
Ever notice that Samoa Joe looks like Deep Roy, the Oompa Loompa guy from the Willy Wonka remake?
Dave
Nah, Benoit still holds that honor.
I've been reading you since Scoops. Today's midnight news was the funniest stuff I've read in forever. Top to bottom, I was laughing my ass off.
Just wanted to say good job. You've been entertaining for years (with a few slumps here and there, but hey, don't we all go through our down periods)
Can't wait what you got cooking 40 midnight news' from now.
James
Nine years and counting... nine years of friggin' FREE BRILLIANCE... who else comes close? No one, you rat bastards.
Appreciate the Cool Hy. You haven't deserved anything as good as me in YEARS.
Hello Ingrates, I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. Last week's column was strange for me. I thought I handed in one of the worst pieces of crap I've ever written... I mean, something not even worthy of my old site... but then after re-reading it once or twice... it turned out to be pretty dang good! Aces, baby!
Anyway, LOTS of stuff to get to this week. You know I'm on a roll, I know I'm on a roll... so let's see if I can keep things rolling. Off we go:
MY FINAL RESOLUTION FOR THE YEART WAS NOT TO ORDER THIS THING
And I didn't.
Look, TNA will have to hold an EXTRAORDINARY PPV in order for me to want to watch it. I'm talking a card with pay-offs to well thought out storylines that
were built over the course of weeks and months... and NOT involving Billy Gunn or Road Dogg
I'm talking a card with wrestlers whom I care about... fighting wrestlers I carte about... in matches that I want to see
I'm talking FOCUS... DIRECTION... not so much "hotshotting" that is now so normal for TNA that we almost miss it. All this company does is "hotshot" angles. Bumrushing shit on little time to the next PPV that won't make them money.
This is a desperate company... they don't know what to do.
Anyways... screw it... how about I flex my serious, opininated muscles and do a serious recap of the goings on here... might be interesting... probably not.
1) Alex Shelley, Roderick Strong, and Austin Aries defeated Sonjay Dutt, Matt Bentley, and Chris Sabin
Pros: A fast paced X-Division match
Pros: ROH stars get to show off in front of a larger audience
Pros: Cameo appearence by Dave Hebner provides foreshadowing to a future story
Pros: Cameo appearence by Jerry Lynn provides evidence that jerry Lynn hasn't died yet.
Cons: Other than the skinny Hindu, can't tell any of the fuckers apart.
Cons: The girl is a hag
Cons: Spotfests suck
2) The James Gang defeated Elix Skipper and Chris Young
Pros: It was quick
Pros: You can laugh at Billy Gunn's pathetic attempt to get ANOTHER cliche that was stolen from someone else over ("Get it? Got it? Good?")
Pros: You can laugh at Road Dogg's fat ass.
Cons: No one cares about these two
Cons: Billy Gunn continues to find better ways to suck
Cons: Good money Panda can't afford to lose is being poured into these two.
3) AJ Styles defeated Hiroshi Tanahashi
Pros: Something new.
Pros: The audience gets exposed to a Japanese superstar
Pros: The odds that AJ will deleiver something special are always good.
Pros: Styles is the future once he smartens up and jumps to the WWE
Pros: Styles is one of three X Divisioners who has an actual character.
Cons: WHERE'S THE FUCKING BUILD-UP??
Cons: Who is the Japanese asshole anyway?
Cons: Shannon Moore has apparently been chased by Styles for the last two days all over the building with his "Mr. TNA" plaque. It's like the Roadrunner and Wile E Coyote
4) SEAN WALTMAN DEFEATED RAVEN SO RAVEN MUST LEAVE TNA
Pros: Waltman showed up
Pros: Raven can still garbage brawl
Pros: FINALLY, story progress
Pros: Fun to see if Waltman is all stoned out.
Cons: Exactly how is Sean Waltman from Raven's "past"?
Cons: Both guys are getting too old for all these weapons spots and it shows.
Cons: Why is Larry Zbysko a heel with Raven but a Babyface Commissioner with everyone else?
Cons: All reports paint this match and the storyline as an afterthought.
5) Bobby Roode defeated Ron "The Truth" Killings
Pros: Killings is fun to watch
Pros: Homicide was involved and since I don't want to piss off a black guy named "Homicide", it's a pro!
Cons: because we needed ANOTHER appearence by fat ass Road Dogg.
Cons: I am not interested in Team Canada, ESPECIALLY that chubby mark who boooks himself into these angles.
6) Abyss defeated Rhino
Pros: Umm.... well... can't say Rhino isn't getting a chance to shine.
Cons: Absolutely everything else about this match.
7) America's Most Wanted defeated Team 3D
Pros: They didn't hand the titles over to Team 3D right away as gratitude for signing with them
Pros: Best match Team 3D has had since showing up
Pros: Unique finish
Pros: Gail Kim is nice to look at.
Cons: No clear cut win.
Cons: Team 3D haven't changed their game, or even tweaked it in years
Cons: TNA isn't exactly making a case for why tag teams are a strong part of the business
8) Samoa Joe defeated Christopher Daniels
Pros: Expected to be the match of the night and was.
Pros: Two examples of wrestlers who excel at what they do.
Pros: Stiff match. Brutal shots.
Pros: There's a reason why Chris Daniels got a long term contract.
Pros: AJ Styles threw in the towel for Daniels, which continues the story and continues Joe's "unbeatable" character
Cons: One of these days Joe is going to legit hurt someone.
Cons: One of these days Joe's going to legit hurt himself
Cons: Do either of these dickheads care about what will happen to their bodies 10 years from now?
Cons: Daniels is one skinny geek.
Cons: Joe, Daniels, and Styles are locked into this inter-changeable feud and I don't see anyone else in the X division who can be included to spice things up.
9) Sting and Christian Cage defeated Jeff Jarrett and Monty Brown
Pros: Sting tried to get in shape and succeeded for the most part
Pros: Christian is being treated like a main eventer
Pros: Monty Brown is one of TNA's shining stars
Pros: Jarrett knows how to cover for his shortcomings
Pros: Jarrett knows how to work the sort of match that feels big time while isn't exactly
Pros: Set up a few different ways to build for the next few PPvs
Cons: They treated Sting as if he was the Rock
Cons: Manufactured Sting fans by offering a free "Paint-Your-Face-Like-Sting" table.
Cons: It's just SAD to see fat, balding 40 year old marks wearing Sting facepaint.
Cons: Lose the bat already, asshole!
Cons: Lose the guitar already, fuckhead
Cons: Another month with Jarrett holding the title.
And the show ends.
I recommend you save your dollars for the Royal Rumble.
THE TALE OF THE TAPE: McMahon vs King
Well, today is Martin Luther King's birthday, and thus... a holiday.
And THUS... we can be sure to get a TRIBUTE to MLK on tonight's Monday Night Raw... which will, in it's own subtle way, show how Vince McMahon is a lot like MLK. Yes, for several years running, Vince has managed to make a tribute to Dr. King into a very discreet ego-fest. Really, it's a hoot to see.
But really... IS Vince cut from the same cloth as MLK? Are they very similiar in the way they lived their lives? Well, there is only one way to find out...
-Martin Luther King: "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: "I have a hunch, Linda, that what you want is another baby! And Linda, if you want another baby, I'm your genetic jackhammer! Linda...Daddy's comin' home!"
Winner: MLK
-Martin Luther King: Condoned non-violence.
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Condones no-benefits
Winner: VKM
-Martin Luther King: Was a Preacher
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: When a cameraman asks Vince for a raise, Vince says, "Go ask God for the lottery numbers, pal!"
Winner: VKM
-Martin Luther King: Has a litter of half black, have white kids running around
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Had Sapphire murdered after she threatened to tell Meltzer about his fetish for strap-ons
Winner: VKM
-Martin Luther King: Raised awareness
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Raised dumbells
Winner: MLK
-Martin Luther King: Received his Ph.D. in systematic theology from Boston University
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Provided an airtight alibi for Tony Garea after he raped and killed a Nun in Boston back in '81
Winner: VKM
-Martin Luther King: Helped usher the demise of any lingering thought that black people should've stayed as Slaves.
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Keeps Kamala in mind in case he ever invests in a Cotton Plantation
Winner: MLK
-Martin Luther King: Organized a mass march from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama, that created national support for federal voting-rights legislation
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Organized wrestling's first gay wedding, that created national support from G.L.A.D. Turned the gay wedding into a giant mocking angle and the Gays screamed, "OH YOU ASSHOLE!!"
Winner: VKM. (You know how tough it is to completely sucker an organization like G.L.A.D?)
-Martin Luther King: Went down south to save blacks
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Sends his mid carders down south to save money
Winner: VKM.
-Martin Luther King: Would'a fucked Stratus in a heatbeat.
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: N-word PLEASE! So many times in so many ways HE got tired of HER.
Winner: VKM
-Martin Luther King: He made it so black people didn't have to sit in the back of the bus.
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: There are holes in the desert dug specifically for any black employee who even LOOKS at his daughter and son in law's new luxury tour bus.
Winner: VKM!
-Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Loves his daughter
Martin Luther King: Loves ALL young white chicks
Winner: MLK
-Martin Luther King: Has many streets named after him
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Forces his employees to ride up and down many streets for thousands of miles a month, 280 days a year, and makes them pay for gas!
Winner: MLK
-Martin Luther King: Felt that forcing blacks to the back of the bus was an outrage.
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Felt that letting his workers upgrade to Business Class is an outrage
Winner: MLK
-Martin Luther King: Likes to beat up white hookers
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Would like to beat up 180 pound mainstream reports
Winner: MLK
-Martin Luther King: Was an amazing dancer
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Is amazing at dancing around the issues of steriod and drug use in his locker rooms
Winner: VKM
-Martin Luther King: Could shoot a basketball with both hands.
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Can shake hands with his right while crossing his fingers with his left
Winner: VKM
-Martin Luther King: Was born in 1929
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: His hairpiece was born in 1985
Winner: VKM'S HAIR
-Martin Luther King: Felt it was his moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Feels it's his right to disobey moral ethics.
Winner: MLK
-Martin Luther King: Looked out for the fair treatment of his black brothers and sisters
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Kamala, Koko B Ware, The Godfather, The Boogey Man, "Grab Them Cakes", Papa Shango, the Boogey Man, Flash Funk, Sheldon Benjamin's Mama, Farooq, Akeem the African Dream...
Winner: MLK
-Martin Luther King: Was assassinated in a motel in Memphis
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: He and Jerry Lawler double-penetrated Lilian Garcia's ass in a motel in memphis after a Raw one time.
Winner: VKM
-Martin Luther King: Believed in God
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Satan made him RICH!!
Winner: MLK
-Martin Luther King: Was Time's "Man of the Year"
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Has gotten three mentions in Sports Illustrated in the last 30 years
Winner: MLK
-Martin Luther King: Was hated by many whites and Republicans
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Hated by many 35 year old white, broke message board posters who are due for a major heart attack before they see 40
Winner: MLK
-Martin Luther King: Demanded that blacks be given fair opportunities for employment.
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Refuses to hire Slyk Wagner Brown
Winner: VKM
-Martin Luther King: Without him, blacks would still be treated as less than whites
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: Without him, Verne Gagne would still be running shows
Winner: VKM and thank bloody Christ!!
And the Final Score is....
Martin Luther King: 12
Vincent Kennedy McMahon: 13
Vincent Kennedy McMahon's hairpiece: 01
THE WINNER: VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHON!!
Whoa... didn't see that one coming.
Go figure.
SUNDAY, BLOODY SUNDAY
Ohhhh, something BIG is brewing.
How big? SO big that the "heavyweight" reporters (Meltzer, Scherer, Keller) are quietly checking and re-checking the facts before reporting on this.
HOW BIG? Well, IF it's true it might cause a mainstream uproar that SHOULD be on the level of Eddie's death and the subsequent Drug Testing announcement
HOW BIG?? Big enough that the Undertaker could potentially have a MAJOR lawsuit against the WWE...
I'm sure you know the story, but let me recap it a bit...
Rumor has it... that "Cowboy" Bob Orton Jr has Hepatitus. A pretty nasty, permenant disease that lives in his blood. In varying degrees, it could be fatal. It's also easily transmitted through mixing of body fluids. It just wipes out your liver.
Rumor has it... that Orton has had this for a while.
Rumor has it... Orton only told John Laurenitius. Probably the McMahons too.
Rumor has it... Laurenitus didn't bother to tell anyone else other than, (and this isn't for sure, just possible/probable) the McMahons and.or anyone higher on the management chain
Rumor has it... Orton got to work with this disease that IS EASILY PASSED ON THROUGH MIXING BLOOD in an environment where he sometimes is called to get physical with others and bleed.
Rumor has it... FACT... Orton bled like a stuck pig during his son's Armageddon "Hell in the Cell" match against the Undertaker
Rumor has it... FACT... Orton bled all over the Undertaker
Rumor has it... FACT Undertaker was bleeding too
Rumor has it... FACT Randy Orton was bleeding as well. All three ended up covered in each other's blood.
Rumor has it... Laurenitius saw this and said, "Uh oh".
Rumor has it... Laurentitius waited until it was too late, and until he had a load of muscle behind him, to break the news to the Undertaker
Rumor has it... The Undertaker is infuriated.
Rumor has it... FACT Neither Cowboy Bob or the Undertaker has been seen since
And there you have it.
Do you understand what the ramifications are if any of this is true?
First of all, to ignorantly expose the Undertaker, the most loyal dog the WWE has ever had, to this is... is just mind blowing. Years... over a decade of service... of money generating fan appeal, to just callously let him work with a guy WITH A LIVER DESTROYING DISEASE IN HIS BLOOD and allow them to bleed all over each other. Without a warning... without a single heads up.
And the LEGAL ramifications. Mark Calloway, if any of this is true, could possible destroy the WWE. I mean, the irresponsible behavior here is just... it's worse than their ongoing drug problem. At least with drugs and 'roids, the WWE can say, "Hey, we didn't know!" In this situation, management (Laurenitius at least... and he WILL be the fall guy if this is as bad as it looks) DID know... and willfully withheld the information.
If this is true, the reign of John Laurenitius... maybe the biggest cocksucker ever to find his way on the WWE pay-roll, is over. You can't hide this. You can't sweep this under the rug. You can't throw a ton of money at the Undertaker and tell him to shut u...
Oh right... you can. Calloway could sell out. He might be a big enough dope to do it.
Anyway, if any of this is true... we are looking at the biggest act of betrayal to a loyal employee since the 1997Survivor Series.
Man, I hope it's all true.
Oh, and for some ridiculous reason... a wrinkle was added to this mess...
Rumor has it... that Orton contracted the Hepatitus from Juventud Guerrera
Rumor has it... that Orton and Juvi were traveling buddies on the road.
Rumor has it... that Orton has a fondness for young Hispanic boys (well shit, who don't)
Rumor has it... that Juvi was fired because of all this.
Well, this is just.... AWESOME
It's also bullshit. I'm pretty sure Hepatitus takes a little longer than a couple of weeks to develop in a bloodstream before someone feels sick enough to see a Doctor and get diagnosed. I'm also pretty sure that one thing has npothing to do with each other and I'm reasonably sure that JUVENTUD GUERRERA WOULDN'T LET SOME 50 YEAR OLD FART POUND HIS TIGHT LATINO ASS!!!!
Come on.... Cowboy Bob is a MAN'S MAN.... fer crying out loud.
Anyway, THAT rumor was started by somneone on the "Death Valley Driver" message board... which is your standard collection of message board super-marks who (Rumor has it... FACT) can't get hard unless some Jap is chopping the hell out of another Jap on their TV screen
I tell ya, IF this story is true... even a little... then we are in for one HELL of a fun 2006!
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. The net is jammed packed with it, non-stop.
But here at DOI, youngsters with a gleam in their eye and a PASSION for landing on their heads and laying pipe on every rat they can get their hands always come here for the latest news and gossip. It is these young rasslers who need to know. Triple H isn't to be hated. Triple H is to be WORSHIPPED. And here is one of the many, MANY reasons why...
Triple H Is Better Than You Because...
The bed on his tour bus costs more than your momma's house!
THIS HAS BEEN "TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING TRIPLE H, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*Disposable diapers take 500 years to fully disintegrate*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA
Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything.
So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.
The following is 100% true... more or less:
WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON...
...real estate?
That's the one thing you can't go broke on: Land and places for assholes to live.
Flea: who was recently ambushed by some Spyware, and got his ass KICKED.
LADIES DUDES LOVE COOL HY
I was minding my own bizness one day when suddenly, some dude IM’ed me (AOL Instant Messenger) and tried to HIT ON ME!!!
Note, as always, I check the profile before answering. This guy’s profile was all about Randy Orton, so I ran with it
Johnny Landin Yo: sup
Hyatte1com: RANDY!!!
Johnny Landin Yo: Shh don't tell anyone, I'm a big Johnny Landin fan.
Hyatte1com: what’s johnny landing on?
Johnny Landin Yo: What?!?! lol
Johnny Landin Yo: It's my name
Johnny Landin Yo: Johnny Landin
Johnny Landin Yo: Johnny Elvis Landin to be exact 8-)
Hyatte1com: ahh
Hyatte1com: and you are?
Johnny Landin Yo: I'm the Man
Johnny Landin Yo: thats what I am
Hyatte1com: many people would disagree
Johnny Landin Yo: And why is that
Hyatte1com: many people think that THEY are the REAL man
Johnny Landin Yo:...But many people don't bust their asses day in, day out, like I do
Johnny Landin Yo: No single man can endure what i do in the gym, and still manage to be able to have a legion of Johnnynites AND a dope website
Johnny Landin Yo: and wait arent you a female?
Hyatte1com: of course not, stud
Johnny Landin Yo: Later
And he bailed…
Ha… loser.
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
Every so often I'll remind you kids who weren't around the net pre-'01 of what this is:
Once upon a time I started this net thing with something called the Mop-Ups. A recap of Raw and Nitro that taught the WORLD how to laugh.
Alas, with all things pertaining to me, I got sick of it and threw it away for something new and shiny... plus, well shit, you ever try recapping five friggin' hours of Monday night wrestling? And making it a goddam PRESENTATION? It ain't easy, kids.
Anywhoo... now that TNA is doing Impact on Spike... and it's an hour... WITH commercials... why not bring back the Mop-Up. If I can't do a fast hour with goofable material just ACHING to be goofed on... well then, I might as well become a Lounge writer for the Torch and write shallow "in-depth" exposes on why Cena sucks and suck up to Pat McNeill for 5 paragraphs.
(disclaimer: the material you're about to skim through is going to seem like I'm pissed and angry and not even a fan and you will be tempted to write an e-mail accusing me of being a cocksucker and never taking a bump. before you do, re-read the top of this column and cheerfully go blow a booker for a curtain jerk spot)
(disclaimer 2: I was doing this long before "Mojo Mitchell", who is actually a pretty mellow guy but fuck him too)
-NO video package to start things off. None. No compilation package set to some trendy rock band's semi-hit single to make us fall in love with the New Age Outlaw reunion!
-WITHOUT A COOL VIDEO PACKAGE YOU ARE CUTTING BILLY GUNN OFF AT THE KNEES, DAMMIT!!
-opening theme. Within two weeks, Stings image will be shown 5 times here. Meanwhile, Samoa Joe, the WRESTLING HERO WHO'S BANDWAGON YOU'RE ALL JUMPING ON, is still being told by Panda Energy to rent out Hybrids to save gas money! ("That's just as good AS a raise, fatso!" says Dixie)
-Mike Tenay goes from 0-60 in 5 seconds and begins his wailing. One lucky sucker is going to get the award for being "Mr. TNA". Because... you know... wrestling just ain't gay enough!
-out comes Abyss, with his hair freshly permed. James Mitchell comes out to, with his hair freshly trailer trashed. Mitchell is wearing a purple suit. Abyss is wearing Mankind's costume just SLIGHTLY altered.
-Abyss looks into the camera and grunts. Mitchell looks into the camera and yells, "DOOMSDAY!"... these are, quite simply, the two biggest tools IN this business. No... not even close. Go to the cheapest, chintziest Indy show in the world (which would be the one run by Billy Firehawk, I hear) and you'll won't find anything even REMOTELY closer to the douchiness of these two clowns.
-Abyss took on Jay Lethal... a BROTHER with CORNROWS fighting an IDIOT white boy who should be delivering crates of Doritoes cross country for a living...
-So of course, the Brother got his ass handed to him. On the MLK holdiay weekend, no less. Somewhere in Heaven, the Good Doctor is FUMING....
-... not about this nonsense, oh no... he's mad cuz he's been in Heaven for 28 years now and still hasn't found a white woman. "WHERE ARE THEY, LORD??? WHERE YOU HIDING THEM??? NO, I DON'T WANT FLORIDA FROM "GOOD TIMES!!"
-Not only did Abyss win, he won QUICKLY. At one point he charged full blast into Lethal in the corner and bombed him. West screamed, "IT'S ALMOST AS IF HE HAD RHINO'S FACE ON LETHAL'S BODY!!" Then Abyss backed up and screamed, "I WISH I COULD QUIT YOU!" and started dry humping Lethal's leg. Tenay shrieked, "HE SEES RHINO EVERYWHERE!! HE'S OBSESSED!" Lethal, meanwhile, tried to fight the big douchebag off and was screaming, "SOMEONE GET THIS NITWIT OFF MY FUCKING LEG!"
-And Jim Mitchell needs to be shot on sight.
-Tenay calms down enough to LIE and say that TNA "listens to the fans" (except for the assholes who chant, "Drop the belt" to Jarrett... which is... ohh, 98% of their audience) and took us to...
-A voice-over package where various TNA personalities won various TNA awards... many of who the winners were in the WWE JUST A FEW MONTHS AGO!! Ha! Loser company!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-Jackie Gaydar won "the Knockout" award! Of course, Jackie is famous for being "knocked out" from Chick Kicks that miss her head by a Country Mile.
-Tenay knocked back a quick shot of Southern Comfort and stumbled into the ring to award the "Mr. TNA" plaque to AJ Styles. Who at least had the decency to accept the award with his shirt on and NO bulge in his pants
-aside: Edge has a small penis... which means Matt Hardy just can't get NOTHING right in his life
-Anywho.... Styles thanked the fans, and TNA and God the creator and Clive Davis and his Momma, and his posse, and Steven Spielberg for some ridiculous reason and then got right into his Promo about whatver bullshit he's up to this week when...
-Shannon Moore ran out in a mohawk and face paint threw cocaine into Styles' face. He shouted, "WANT A TASTE OF THE WWE, BITCH!!! HERE YA GO!!" Then ran off with the plaque. Styles stumbled around and started yelling, "The colors, man!! I can see the fabric of the yooooniverse!" then gave chase. Tenay took a fingerful of the poweder off the mat, enjoyed a small toot, jerked his head violently, then sent us off to...
-Video package of AJ's Jap opponent whos name I ain't even gonna try to spell again. Young kid.
-The fans read cue cards listing the various reasons why the world is a much better place with Sting on TV. One idiot said, "He's the best when he's dropping from the rafters!! Everyone else dies but he lands and kicks ASS!!"
-commercials
-Mike Tenay is seated back with Don West. West's shirt matches his hair, and probably his nicotine ravaged lungs. Mike Tenay uses this valuable face time to show the world how he can contort his mouth into funny shapes. For some stupid reason, I would pay good money to see Tenay get ass raped by a 400 pound black dude... who's too broke to buy lube.
-David Sahadi gets a paycheck for one reason only... to produce video packages that will get people to give a fuck about Billy Bad Ass and Jesse Roadie. They might as well pay him to cure Herpes...
-Shane Douglas, Jesse Fatass, Billy Gunn. Road James, who was a "homie Crip Killa Gangsta" not three weeks ago, now went back to his roots and called Bob Armstrong "Daddy"... a 45 year old man calling his father "Daddy"... I grabbed the glass of AIDS on my table and threw it at my screen.
-Out comes Samoa Joe. Chris Daniels is at the announcer's table. The camera has to go wide because his long ass neck cut off the top half of his head. As he ate leaves off the top branches of a tree. he explained that her won't interfere because he's the smartest X-Divisioner alive (kind'a like being the world's tallest midget, homie).
-Joe has the flab line. It's that red line running across his middle. He got it because his fat folds up within itself whenever he sits down. This is YOUR Wrestler of the Century.
-Joe's fighting Cassidey Reilly... who starts the match early by POUNDING THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF JOE'S.... shoulder. Okayyyy.
-This didn't take long. Then Joe grabbed a chair and was about to bust a muscle on Reilley's ass. Daniels started screaming, "NO, JOE!! STOP, JOE!!"
-and ya know... Samoa Joe DOES look and move and act like Mighty Joe Young... andf he's Samoan... so his grandpapi was probably a gorilla... but that desn't mean that DANIELS SHOULD POINT THIS OUT ON LIVE TV!! GOOD GOD, YOU HALF-GIRAFFE, YOU!!! SHOW A LITTLE CLASS!! SAVE THE RACIST REMARKS FOR THE CLAN RALLY!!
-Daniels got into it and chaired Joe away. he is one skinny kid. He should juice up a bit.
-commercials
-STING IS COMING!!!
-Jackie yells at Shane Douglas for some reason and keeps sticking her finger at him. Each time she does Douglas over-acts and JERKS away and stares at her finger as if it's covered with Jim Mitchell's poop (which... really... shouldn't shock anyone). Then that fat Canadian mark who REALLY should be sitting at home posting on message boards shows up and talks to Jackie.
-While they talk, Douglas is in the background trying like hell to do "The People's Eyebrow"... unfortunately, the OTHER eyebrow won't stop twittering away. So not only is he about 5 years too late with trying a new gimmick, he can't even do it correctly. Why isn't he out being a Nurse already? I thought he promised to RETIRE a few years ago? WHY LIE TO US, FRANCHISE????
-Jackie, "You better tell Jeff to... (whatever she's supposed to say) or you know what is going to hit the ceiling.". Heh... she blows spots and she blows lines... the only thing she doesn't blow is her husband.
-Suddenly, AJ Styles and Shannon Moore appear and Styles is STILL chasding Moore and punching him from time to time. This was done 15 years ago between Harley Race and Jim Duggan during a two hour "WWF Slammy Awards" show.... Bobby Heenan ended up with pie on his face. It was done for comedy effect. This is the same exact thing, just played serious. This is why Vince McMahon has not missed a single minute of his powernaps fretting over this company.
-commercials
-Team Canada took on Sonjay Dutt, Matt Bentley, and Chris Sabin. The girl here is named Tracy. The irony of the X-Divsion is that even with the fastest paced action on American wrestling TV, the wrestlers involved are so bland that even the female valet's name is non-descript. She might as be named "Betty"
-And although it's flashy as hell... the Canadian Destroyer Finisher is just.... just... the OPPONENT DOES MOST OF THE WORK!!! FOR CHRISSAKES!!
-Raven cut a nice promo. Classic Raven. Good. I like Raven. He deserves better. He SHOULD be in the main event mix, He HAD the damn belt... why NOT give him a rematch? Why stick him with Zbyszko? Nice promo.
-Jeff Jarrett and Monty Brown talk upo their PPV match with Sting. Jarrett says "I've been in the ring with the biggerst names in the business!" He failed to mention that he lost to every damn one of them. Heh heh heh heh heh... he got bitchlapped by Chyna... HAW HAW HAW HAW
-AMW and Gail Kim come out. Gail Kim looks good with straight hair.
-Rhino CHARGES out... why charge, asshole. Take your time. You know who else runs full tilt? John Rocker... and he looked like a rube doing so. You're not a goddam REAL Rhino... quit running.
-Christian Cage comes out to Chris Jericho's entrance. I'm sure Jericho pre-approved it... but this doesn't help Christian's cause one bit. Makes me miss Jericho, in fact.
-commercials
-And I'm getting fed-up trieed of all this rasslin... sooooo
-the match was the match, Cage won it. After various run ins, the ring was filled with WWE mid-carders (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA).... then one thing led to your mother and Jarrett and Brown were standing tall.
-Then the arena went dark. Sting's lightshow blazed. Sting's voice popped up on the intercom and told Jarrett and Brown to look up into the rafters, which they did.
-Then the voice told Jarrett and Brown to look down!. "I'm right here, Jeff, BELOW YOOOOO!!" Like a fucking moron, Jarrett started staring at the mat as if he lost a contact lens. Brown threw up his hands and said, "Fuck this, I ain't no Simple Simon playing bitch!" (Yeah, you GO, BOYEEE!)
-The Sting said, "I'm all around you, Jeff!!" Jarrett started turning around. Tenay screamed, "STING HAS GOT JARRETT TO DO THE HOKEY POKEY!! HE'S TURNING HIMSELF AROUND!!" West added, "THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!!"
-annnnd... the show ended.
I don't mean to be this hard of the show... but this is the last thing I do when writing this column... and it's usually approaching sunrise when I finish... so I'm normally pissy anyway... so this is the result.
I'm ALMOST done... one more thing to present here...
POINTLESS RACISM
I only do this as a cry... a cry for racial harmony...
In honor of today... Martin Luther King's B-day, I would like to end things with an ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING reminder that even today... almost 30 years after Dr. King's tragic death, we... we as a civilization... have out work cut out for us.
Neither Chris Hyatte nor the Declaration of Independents support OR approve of the follwing...
01) What's the difference between dog shit and (CANADIANS)?
When dog shit gets old it turns white and quits stinking.
02) What's the difference between a (CANADIAN) and a snow tire?
A snow tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.
03) Why do (CANADIANS) cry during sex?
The mace.
04) How do you get a (CANADIAN) out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
05) What's a (CANADIANS) idea of foreplay?
"Don't scream or I'll cut you, (HOSER)."
06) Why don't (CANADIAN) kids play in the sandbox?
Cats keep covering them up.
07) Why are there no (CANADIAN) astronauts?
Their lips explode at 50,000 feet.
08) What is the worst 3 years of a (CANADIANS) life?
First grade.
09) How was break dancing invented?
(CANADIANS) trying to steal hubcaps from moving cars.
10) What did the (CANADIAN ROYAL MOUNTED POLICEMAN) call the (NEWFIE) who had been shot 15 times?
Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
Revolting... disgusting... horrible.
(and that last one was JUST for my Canadian brothers AND sisters reading... Canadians LOVE their Newfie jokes! Newfoundland is sort of like their version of Jersey)
Anyway... I have to go now and hug a black person... hug them and apologize for YEARS of mistreatment.
And remind them that whitey didn't fuck them over half as much as we screwed over the Native Americans... whoo HEEE... talk about getting cornholed... man o live.
I'll be here next week... show up, assholes. What else do you have to do?
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This is Hyatte